[FILM] Pompeii

Wellity, I’ve collected a few choice picks from the list of May’s DVD releases. They included Her, Veronica Mars, That Awkward Moment and Pompeii. Last eve was the turn of Paul Anderson’s attempt at a blockbusting epic, so I put on the comfy pyjamas, poured a glass and prepared to drool a little over Jon Snow.

Pompeii Poster

Tag Line: NO WARNING (about how shite it is). NO ESCAPE (from how shite it is). Starring: Jon Snow’s Abs, Emily Bronte, Mr. Eko, Posh Mad Man, Trinity Dies Again and General Jack Bauer.

“Kit Harington’s abs.”

The story goes that Milo (Kit Harington), a Northern Briton, known to everyone as “The Celt”, is the last of his horsey people after the evil General Corvus (Kiefer Sutherland) and his right hand hound, Proculus (Sasha Roiz), brutally slaughtered his entire village when he was but a nipper. He was later captured and sold into slavery, where he learned the ways of the gladiator. He was so OMG, like, totally awesome at it that he captured the attention of a passing Roman, who decided that Milo’s talents would be better suited to entertaining the masses of Pompeii.

Along the way to Mt. Vesuvius, Milo encounters the Lady Cassia (Emily Browning), and even though he’s a slave, he’s allowed tend to her mortally wounded horse. What happens then is, I assume, an insta-love connection as Milo ends the horsey’s suffering by breaking its neck. He obviously has a special affinity for them, what with his people being horsemen and all that. They make googly eyes at each other. Milo returns to the chain gang and Cassia carries on to her massive estate in Pompeii, where she’s greeted happily by her father (Jared Harris) and her mother (Carrie-Anne Moss). Her parents’ names in this film don’t matter, because they don’t matter as characters. Milo meets a scary fellow gladiator called Atticus (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) and they bond.

This is pretty much where my interest completely failed. The story is just beyond ridiculous. The characters are empty shells of people. The writing is atrocious and the dialogue painful. Not only that, but it is one of the most historically inaccurate works I have ever seen. That’s not what happened. I watch The Discovery Channel.

Anyway, at some stage the evil General Corvus comes to Pompeii and manages to “trick” Cassia into promising marriage. There are gladiatorial battles, which weren’t spectacular but weren’t all that bad either, and then the earthquakes came, followed by lots of ash and a tsunami. Having met Cassia twice at this stage, Milo naturally runs off toward the erupting volcano to save her from the dastardly clutches of Corvus, who tries to escape while twirling his invisible handlebar moustache. Then the volcano erupts and kills EVERYONE. Which was actually a nice surprise for me, even as, while I was watching the couples’ first kiss end in ash, I realised that the Lady Cassia died without even knowing Milo’s name.

Seems to me like it would be rather improper not to know the name of the man who saved you, and then died as a result. True love, eh?

I know this probably isn't the best time but... What's your name again?

I know this probably isn’t the best time but… What’s your name again?

But, let’s take a minute to discuss the elephant in the room, shall we? Kit Harington’s abs. For serial, are they real? If they are, you can colour me impressed. I had a serious “omgimaperv” moment/realisation as I paused the film to stare, studying them like a little boy playing Super Street Fighter II Turbo studies Chun Li’s pixely naughty bits in the middle of her Spinning Bird Kick. But just as quickly, my awe turned to horror, as I realised that Kit Harington HAS AN OUTIE BELLYBUTTON, and I was henceforth turned off for forever.

I'm sorry Jon Snow, but now we can never be together.

I’m sorry Jon Snow, but you and I just weren’t meant to be.

On the positive side of things, the film itself looked good. I’m sure it was amazing in 3D. That’s all I got for you, Pompeii. I’d just like to add, shame on you director Paul W.S. Anderson for misusing such a talented cast, and a pox on the house of Janet & Lee Batchler, for giving those poor creatures such horrible, awkward and clunky dialogue. The latter pair, by the way, were also responsible for Batman Forever. Need I say any more.

IMDB Rating: 5.7
Do I agree?: I was going to give it a 3, but I’ll bump it up to a 3.5. Purely for their blatant pilfering of the Spartacus soundtracks and the fact that everyone died.

...

Should have listened.

V Does DVD Releases (May) 1/4.

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Categories: Film, Review

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82 replies

  1. Ha! I have an outie too. Although, sadly, I do not have Jon Snurr’s abs to go with it. Nice review…I am going to avoid Pompeii like the plague though!

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  2. “…I realised that Kit Harington HAS AN OUTIE BELLYBUTTON, and I was henceforth turned off for forever.” – LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!

    Fantastic review here lady!

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  3. So the best way to a woman’s heart is by breaking a horse’s neck? I might have rethink my strategy.

    Also Kit Harrington might be the most uncharismatic person ever. And i’m not specifically talking about actors, i mean every person i’ve ever met

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    • It was the weirdest scene ever. He’s breaking the horse’s neck, and she’s like, *OMGLOVE!*. Next time you want to win a fair lady’s heart Michael, just buy her a horse and then kill it in front of her.

      As for Kit, he looked so uncomfortable. The entire time it felt as though he was constantly and painfully aware of the cameras. And he had a better connection with an invisible CGI wolf on GoT than he had with anyone else in Pompeii.

      Like

  4. I’m going to forget all about Jon Snow’s outie bellybutton so my crush on him can continue unabated! Seriously though, I can’t wait to see this and see exactly how bad it is. Excellent write-up. :D

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  5. Yes, it was good in 3D, very good with those final destruction scenes; I have given it about the same rating too :)

    You got it right there – “empty shells” :D

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  6. I liked the fact that everyone died too! Nice write-up :)

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  7. Definitely going to avoid this one, the Discovery Channel sounds a heck of a lot more interesting! Poor Jon Snow. Great review!

    Adam.

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  8. I saw this in the cinema last month – how is it out on DVD already? Anyway, yep, what a load of shite. Only saving grace was Jon Snow on the big screen. Kiefer Sutherland cracked me up. I just hope he was playing his part and talking like that for the laugh.

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    • I was surprised to see it on this month’s list DVD releases myself, Emma! It’s possible the studios are trying to recoup some losses, but I think too that it got an earlier cinema release in the States. Kiefer’s whole character was just… ridiculous. At one stage I thought to myself, “Did these actors actually read the script before they signed on!?” :o

      But at least we got some Jon Snow. Bellybutton or no, he’s still oh so easy on the eye. Thanks for the comment Emma, and for the RT too! :D

      Like

  9. Kit Harrington put himself in hospital working out for this movie. Cut the bellybutton some slack!

    Also, you neglected to mention Jack Bauer’s Carry On accent. I kept waiting for him to turn to Jon Snow and say “Ooooh, Matron!”

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    • Haha! Poor bellybutton. I didn’t know that Pompeii had put him in the hospital, either. Was it for depression? :D

      Seriously though, can’t believe I neglected to mention Jack’s Carry On accent. Had he turned to Jon Snow and said, “OOOHHH, MATRON!” I would have given Pompeii at least a 5.

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  10. perhaps cutting and tying off umbilical cords properly is not a thing in Winterfell.

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  11. and everyone dies? wow. Cue Richard E. Grant in ‘The Player” :)

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  12. Cammy and Blaze from Streets of Rage. Two of my earliest gaming crushes.

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  13. Haha good review. And touché. It was terrible wasn’t it. What was Kiefer doing? He was abysmal!

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  14. Good review. This movie didn’t get better until the volcano actually erupted. Hate to phrase it like that, but it’s just what happened for me.

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  15. I don’t know why you even watched it! I knew it was atrocious from the moment I saw the trailer.

    Why would you subject yourself to this hahahahaha

    Now quickly go watch Black Sails and wash the horrible taste out of your mouth :)

    I’ve been watching, in a similar vein, the Horatio Hornblower TV films. Oldie but goodie (and with some very funny homoerotic undertones :P)

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  16. You are spot on with this review. All the way through I found myself comparing Pompeii to Ridley Scott’s Gladiator. Kit Harington does not fare well when compared to Russell Crowe and, as comely as she is, Emily Browning pales against Connie Nielsen’s Lucilla. But the truth is that, even if you could simply take the cast of Gladiator and drop it into the corresponding roles in Pompeii, the movie would still fall short.

    I’m really not the world’s best writer, but the plot in this movie was woefully mishandled. It was almost as if the writer tried to rush through the supporting scenes so that he could get to the ones he really wanted to write. I’ve done that and it doesn’t work very well. The supporting scenes are what make the book or movie.

    3.5 might be a tad low…the special effects were entertaining. But, about the most I could give it is a 4.5.

    Just for the sake of reference, I do not have an outie. That’s not all from capable knot tying shills when I was born. A lifetime of being poked in the stomach like the Pillsbury Dough Boy by people waiting to hear me say “tee hee” has taken its toll. It’s a curse to have a round belly.

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    • Truth. It was so hard not to compare this film to Gladiator, and it paled in every single comparison. With Pompeii I wasn’t at all sure exactly WHAT this film wanted to be. Romance? Historical? Disaster? Drama? Fantasy? Action? If you think about it, Gladiator was more than just the sum of its genre, but while it’s hard to define, each element and aspect was done to an extremely high standard. It felt like Pompeii tried to be all of these things too, but in the end managed none of them adequately.

      On the subject of round bellies and outies, my mother blames me for hers. She says I was so massive when she was pregnant that her bellybutton popped and never went back to normal. :o

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  17. Good thing I didn’t see this is theaters. I’m glad it ending that way. It’s funny the thing that left the lasting impression is his newly button lmao

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  18. Great review… terrible, terrible film. Thought it might be a bit of fun, especially with a bit of Kiefer over-acting. Alas, no fun whatsoever.

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  19. Jon Snow as an outie. Who knew?! The people of Westeros won’t stand for that. Great review here V, I’m staying well clear of this one!

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  20. They make googly eyes at each other? Sounds awesome ;) hahahaha This is one I stayed away from and that seems to have been an excellent choice!

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  21. I have my abs digitally enhanced in all my pictures.

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  22. V…c’mon. You really couldn’t get over an outie for ALL OF THAT??? *drools and wipes up drool with a handkerchief decorated with pugs and shirtless Kit Harringtons*

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    • IKR! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME CARA!? I don’t know what it is but my whole world changed that night. As soon as I saw it I fell to my knees, assumed the Luke Skywalker facial expression, threw my pained gaze to the stars above and howled, “NUUUUU!” D:

      I’ll need extensive therapy to get over this new-found prejudice. But I’m willing to work on it for the good of Westeros. And for my fellow sister bloggers, so we may once again be reunited in our lust for our TV demi-gods.

      Liked by 1 person

      • You Luke Skywalker ugly cried?! Oh dear. Even though I’m sad for you and this is a serious situation…pics next time, plz.

        Yes, we need to get you into therapy ASAP. I’ll have to send you the number of the therapist who helped me recover from the Red Wedding. A miracle worker, that one. Don’t worry–you’ll be lusting after Jon Snow again before you know it. :)

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  23. LOL those abs!!!!!!!!!! I didn’t know that was fake. Damn you Jon Snow. You know what it’s okay I think we can forgive him. :) but we can’t forgive him for the movie. lol.

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  24. I don’t watch GoT but I know of Kit Harington from all the Tumblr pics, I’m more into Nicolaj Coster-Waldau and Richard Madden though. So I’ll likely be skipping this one, his washboard abs notwithstanding, ahah.

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  25. I, erm, didn’t mind this too much. I probably need help.

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    • :o

      You must tell me WHY!? Give me REASONS, man!

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      • I dunno. I guess reason number one is that I fancy Emily Browning (although of late, she’s lost too much weight and is suffering from the classic “Lollipop Head Syndrome”). And the second reason is probably incredibly low expectations because I’ve hated just about every single Paul WS Anderson movie (Event Horizon was good though), especially the way he butt fucked a classic like the Musketeers. Third reason, his wife wasn’t in it. And fourthly, this meant she didn’t get to do any bullet time slo-mo down a corridor full of traps and shit. And, um… I probably need help. ;)

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        • Yes I definitely see what you mean about Lollipop Head Syndrome. She is very striking though! I had middling expectations for it I suppose, because it was presented to be potentially epic, and… Jon Snow. That was probably why I was so disappoint. It’s the right idea to go in with no expectations, I do like being pleasantly surprised.

          And you probably do need help Monkeynut, but then, most of us do I think. ;)

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  26. All dead!! How refreshing!! :D

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  27. LOL! And I thought it was because I was lacking sleep that I thought this was boring. Which helped because I fell asleep and then had to rewind to rewatch the beginning part I missed. And it helps that the screen was so little because I didn’t see details but just sexy abs of Kit Harrington.

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