[FILM] Pompeii

Wellity, I’ve collected a few choice picks from the list of May’s DVD releases. They included Her, Veronica Mars, That Awkward Moment and Pompeii. Last eve was the turn of Paul Anderson’s attempt at a blockbusting epic, so I put on the comfy pyjamas, poured a glass and prepared to drool a little over Jon Snow.

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Tag Line: NO WARNING (about how shite it is). NO ESCAPE (from how shite it is). Starring: Jon Snow’s Abs, Emily Bronte, Mr. Eko, Posh Mad Man, Trinity Dies Again and General Jack Bauer.

“Kit Harington’s abs.”

The story goes that Milo (Kit Harington), a Northern Briton, known to everyone as “The Celt”, is the last of his horsey people after the evil General Corvus (Kiefer Sutherland) and his right hand hound, Proculus (Sasha Roiz), brutally slaughtered his entire village when he was but a nipper. He was later captured and sold into slavery, where he learned the ways of the gladiator. He was so OMG, like, totally awesome at it that he captured the attention of a passing Roman, who decided that Milo’s talents would be better suited to entertaining the masses of Pompeii.

Along the way to Mt. Vesuvius, Milo encounters the Lady Cassia (Emily Browning), and even though he’s a slave, he’s allowed tend to her mortally wounded horse. What happens then is, I assume, an insta-love connection as Milo ends the horsey’s suffering by breaking its neck. He obviously has a special affinity for them, what with his people being horsemen and all that. They make googly eyes at each other. Milo returns to the chain gang and Cassia carries on to her massive estate in Pompeii, where she’s greeted happily by her father (Jared Harris) and her mother (Carrie-Anne Moss). Her parents’ names in this film don’t matter, because they don’t matter as characters. Milo meets a scary fellow gladiator called Atticus (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) and they bond.

This is pretty much where my interest completely failed. The story is just beyond ridiculous. The characters are empty shells of people. The writing is atrocious and the dialogue painful. Not only that, but it is one of the most historically inaccurate works I have ever seen. That’s not what happened. I watch The Discovery Channel.

Anyway, at some stage the evil General Corvus comes to Pompeii and manages to “trick” Cassia into promising marriage. There are gladiatorial battles, which weren’t spectacular but weren’t all that bad either, and then the earthquakes came, followed by lots of ash and a tsunami. Having met Cassia twice at this stage, Milo naturally runs off toward the erupting volcano to save her from the dastardly clutches of Corvus, who tries to escape while twirling his invisible handlebar moustache. Then the volcano erupts and kills EVERYONE. Which was actually a nice surprise for me, even as, while I was watching the couples’ first kiss end in ash, I realised that the Lady Cassia died without even knowing Milo’s name.

Seems to me like it would be rather improper not to know the name of the man who saved you, and then died as a result. True love, eh?

I know this probably isn’t the best time but… What’s your name again?

But, let’s take a minute to discuss the elephant in the room, shall we? Kit Harington’s abs. For serial, are they real? If they are, you can colour me impressed. I had a serious “omgimaperv” moment/realisation as I paused the film to stare, studying them like a little boy playing Super Street Fighter II Turbo studies Chun Li’s pixely naughty bits in the middle of her Spinning Bird Kick. But just as quickly, my awe turned to horror, as I realised that Kit Harington HAS AN OUTIE BELLYBUTTON, and I was henceforth turned off for forever.

I’m sorry Jon Snow, but you and I just weren’t meant to be.

On the positive side of things, the film itself looked good. I’m sure it was amazing in 3D. That’s all I got for you, Pompeii. I’d just like to add, shame on you director Paul W.S. Anderson for misusing such a talented cast, and a pox on the house of Janet & Lee Batchler, for giving those poor creatures such horrible, awkward and clunky dialogue. The latter pair, by the way, were also responsible for Batman Forever. Need I say any more.

IMDB Rating: 5.7
Do I agree?: I was going to give it a 3, but I’ll bump it up to a 3.5. Purely for their blatant pilfering of the Spartacus soundtracks and the fact that everyone died.

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Should have listened.

V Does DVD Releases (May) 1/4.

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‹ [NEWS] The Sunday Spew (25th May 2014)

[NEWS] The Monday Spew (16th June 2014) ›

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Categories: Film, Review

Tags: Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Carrie-Anne Moss, DVD, Emily Browning, Film, Jared Harris, Kiefer Sutherland, Kit Harington, Kit Harington's Abs, Movie, Paul W.S. Anderson, Pompeii, Recap, Review, Sasha Roiz

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